I'm a father. I work as a computer programmer but I am a father. I'm a good father, too. However, in November 2010 I informed my then-wife that I didn't want to be married anymore. The reasons why are unimportant here. That started a journey that continues to this day, over 3½ years later. The last day of the trial was in March 2014 and things still aren't final.
I started off with an attorney but my well-funded Ex decided she wanted to go to war. At some point I ran out of cash and decided that, rather than burn down what was left of my retirement accounts (which really wasn't much) and hand them over to attorneys, I would take my chances with the Court and represent myself. You know that old saying, that someone who represents themselves at trial has a fool for a client? It's true. It's one thing to know what the law says. It is quite another to know how the law works. That, you can only get with legal experience and that is something non-lawyers don't have (unless they get arrested a lot).
I had hoped to find resources to help someone in my shoes in this Age of the Internet but there really isn't anything. Lawyers want to get paid for their advice. Non-lawyers run the risk of getting in trouble for giving legal advice. There aren't even books on the subject (actually, I did find one but it was terrible). Well, there are lots of books on getting divorced. There are even books on what they call "contested" divorces. However, they all assume that both parties are reasonable and just want to get things done quickly, or, if the divorce is contested, that both parties don't want to spend tons on lawyers and will spend most time outside a courtroom trying to settle things.
That's all well and good and nice but my Ex ended up with legal bills over $100,000 for an estate worth well under $300,000. There is nothing reasonable in that last sentence. That was the situation I found myself in.
First, nothing in this blog should ever be construed as legal advice, not even in California. All I aim to do is relate what happened to me and how I dealt with it (or coped with it). The idea is that you can benefit from my experience. If you take anything here as legal advice, you're an idiot. Don't take anything you read on the internet as legal advice. That is something you can only get from an attorney, and not just any attorney but your attorney.
The Road Ahead
So you are getting, or thinking about getting, divorced and you're thinking about representing yourself to save some bucks. If your spouse is thinking that, too, great! I'm happy for the two of you and hope you can quickly work things out. However, for the rest of you I have one word: don't.
Representing yourself in a contested divorce sucks. A lot. The legal profession has an endless supply of jerks and bullies and people who used to be bullied by jerks and bullies who are now taking revenge on the world. These lawyers, even if they are bad ones, know more about how the law works than you and they will mess with you and you will not know what to do about it. The worst part is that for those jackasses, it's just another day's work. For you, it's personal because this is your life. Lawyers calling you names and lying about you in court is just a job to them. To you, it's personal because this is your life. So, for some non-legal advice I would advise you to not represent yourself. If you can hire an attorney, do it. If you don't have the money for an attorney to handle everything for you, see if you can do a lot of the work yourself. Your attorney does not have to be spending their time copying your bank statements; that's something you can do. Your attorney can help proofread forms you have to fill out but you can fill them out yourself. There are ways to save money if you have to.
Then there's the separation. Since I was the main breadwinner (and the only one since my children were born), I, of course, don't get to see my children as much as I used to. Before I moved out, I woke them up for school each morning, made their breakfast, took one to school, worked all day, came home and made dinner, ate dinner with the family, cleaned up the dinner dishes, checked email, played with my children, watched a TV show with them before bedtime, read them a story, and tucked them into their beds. None of that mattered to the Court, of course. After I moved out I got to see them 24% of the time. It's horrible. I cope by not thinking about it.
The loss of income is fun, too. Divorced poor is different than regular poor. With regular poor, if you make more money you get more money. With divorced poor, if you make more money you get to spend more money on support while still not being able to pay your bills. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem paying child support. If I get a raise, my children should benefit from that. It's just tough going from a big house on land to an apartment while making a lot of money but not being able to afford utility bills. Oh, and if you're a stay-at-home parent, you get to look forward to going (back?) to work...unless your spouse is rich but I doubt anybody rich is reading this.
Divorce sucks, there are no two ways about it, but you're going through it because the alternative sucks even more. A contested divorce sucks more. A contested divorce that goes to trial sucks even more. Doing any of that while representing yourself sucks the most. You are going to be called names, lied about, get depressed, get desperate, not know what to do, and gain new insight into why people in similar situations snap. If you feel that all of that is still better than staying married, then good luck to you.
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